Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
