you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
