May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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