sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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