I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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