Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
