Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
