I wish I could teleport
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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