What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
