Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Come share oat with me in your robe
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
