he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
