I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
