It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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