Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
