id be glad to
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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