my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
