i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear