You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
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He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
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I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.