If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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