Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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