A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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