I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
