just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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