I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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