you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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