I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
