All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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