Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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