Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
