There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
