so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Acid is not a monday night drug
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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