Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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