Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
