she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
