chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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