sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This baby is an asshole
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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