I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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