Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
