What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
