I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
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please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
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you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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