Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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