The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
