im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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