you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
