So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
