Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
