Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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