Swine flu. Run for my life!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
