His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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