you guys were way drunker than both of me
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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