Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm passing your future prison.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
