Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
