The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
