Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
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