He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
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Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
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That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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