if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize