bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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