if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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