i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Barsexuality is the new black.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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