she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
